It's usually Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, but we've seen other groups do it too. It's Saturday morning, you're still on your first cup of coffee, and someone who's far too cheerful for that hour shows up on your doorstep with a handful of leaflets.
Now, I'm all for religion, and for believing in whatever you want, but where I come from, coming to someone's home to tell them they're wrong about something is just plain rude. So, with that in mind, here are my top ten responses:
1- Talk about Kabballa and the Gnostic gospels for a few minutes, then shake your head and just say "Why don't you come back when you've actually learned something about what you say you believe".
2- "THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE! Everyone is running late today!" (pull them inside) "Love the outfit. Listen- I've got to deal with one of the actresses- get in the bedroom, strip down, get greased up, if the camera guy doesn't show in 10 minutes, call my cell." (Run out of the room)
3-Answer the door wearing a black robe and holding a knife. "This is sort of a bad time.... WAIT! I know this is a bit forward, but would you be a virgin, by any chance?"
4- "Hi! Can I take a moment to tell you about a new line of hair care products I'm offering? Now, these are guaranteed to give you more lush, vibrant color and body than any other salon product on the market. The secret is in these microcapsules of rare herbal nutrients that...."
5- Tell them it's a bad time, but could they come back Tuesday at 4. Call every church in town- Baptist, Jewish, Mormon, Scientologist- and ask if they can send someone to talk to you at the same time. When they get there, say "I'm sure one of you is right- Figure it out amongst yourselves and let me know what you decide".
6- Answer the door naked. Invite them in- With your best 70's singles-bar voice.
7- "One: Do you consider the Bible as allegorical, or as the literal word of God? Two: Which do you believe is the higher authority, God or our lawful government? The Bible condemns members of my household to death, and by your own admission, you believe that command to supersede the law- If you are still here in 30 seconds, I will take your presence as a physical threat, and will respond with deadly force."
8- "I'll give you an hour of my time if you give me an hour of yours." Then a) tell them about your own religion, or b) "Lawnmower's in the shed."
9- Invite them in, get them a cup of tea, and walk over to the bookcase. "Which Bible were you using? Okay, we have that one- Let's cross-reference with the Greek and the Hebrew. Now, what was it that you THOUGHT this said?"
10- "Have you accepted the great and terrible lord Cthulhu as your own personal tormentor and devourer of souls?"